Breaking Free: Understanding and Healing Codependency
Hey there! Ready to dive into the world of codependency? In this blog post, we'll break down what it really means, how it sneaks into our lives, and best of all, how to kick it to the curb for healthier, happier relationships. Get ready to learn how to set boundaries, boost self-love, and build stronger connections. Let's jump in and uncover the secrets to personal growth and fulfillment together!
So, what is codependency?
To begin with, we need to define codependency. Codependency is an imbalance in any relationship, where one person —the giver— sacrifices themselves towards another person —the taker— supporting negative behaviours from this last one. In the end, this dynamic consumes and exhausts the giver. But don't believe the taker has it any easier. They have been annulled in their capacity, as there's been another person doing everything for them all this time. And so, they have been disempowered.
Most of the time, givers become such due to a need to feel like doers and show someone in their lives that they are productive. It could also be a huge need to be recognised or valued or considered a very good person. Aiming high in being an awesome person is fantastic, but this has a limit. We need to stay true to ourselves and respect our bodies, emotions, health, and needs. Some people go overboard by being more focused on others than themselves.
What tends to happen is that those givers often feel neglected, not recognised, or valued, and they blame everyone around them. Picture this: would you take one if someone on the street were handing dollars "for free"? It's the same thing with givers. They are incredibly generous with their time, energy, and money; everyone takes advantage of them. If there has to be some responsibility placed, it would be on the givers, not the takers. Being generous is so cool, but there must be some boundaries.
Establishing healthy boundaries
"When you say YES to others, you say NO to yourself". - Paulo Coelho.
Do you recognise yourself as one of those people who say YES when, in reality, they want to say NO? This could be a symptom of codependence and might stem from the need to be liked. Boundaries are the key to emotional freedom. They allow you to manage your energy more balancedly.
In a codependent person, saying YES when they want to say NO is a synonym for staying safe or not facing the other person's reaction. Perhaps this person had a difficult childhood with one of their parents. This could have led to adapting to serve others and forgetting their own needs. Low self-esteem is one of the main reasons behind behaviour. As we do not approve ourselves internally, we are looking for external forms of validation. And 'Oh! The guilt!'.
In my clients' Biodecoding sessions, I often see that certain medical conditions appear to have an indirect excuse to say 'no'. It's not them choosing to say no; it's their symptom… This is what we usually call the secondary benefit of a symptom. And I must say, it is handy when you want to stop doing something you keep saying yes to. But what is the hefty tag price you are paying in return?
"The body screams what the mouth shuts."
How to balance care without sacrifice
In short, through acceptance and unconditional love. "Wait, what?? Unconditional? As in limitless and free? Maria, you just talked about boundaries!". Precisely 🙂.
The problem nowadays is that we confuse unconditional love with sacrificed love without boundaries. What's more, we have a toxic idea of love. In fact, unconditional love means accepting a situation, not forcing it to change, and flowing with it. We see things as they are and do not judge them. We don't get grumpy if people don't act as we expect. And this goes both ways.
We won't change the people around us; we can only intervene in our lives and choices. It is fantastic to do charity work and provide service to others as long as that is what we want to do and feels fulfilling, and not coming from a place of "I have to" to be perceived a certain way. Not to mention how bad this is if we feel we need to rest, yet we put that aside to help others, for example.
We are not used to being told 'no' either. Or not as frequently as it should be. We feel awkward when that happens. Let's embrace a culture of guilt-free NOs. It will help us release codependency if we are the ones. It will also help others feel safer and more honest with us. This way, we are honouring ourselves and our relationships even better.
Next time you are faced with a situation in which you have to decide whether to say yes or no, take your time to think about it. Ask the other person for it. Once you have heard and addressed your needs, let the other person know the resolution despite the outcome. Remember to honour yourself.
Healing from codependency: practical steps towards empowerment
One thing that helped me a lot over the years was the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, particularly the "Don't take things personally" one. People react to their trauma or whatever is going on in their heads at the moment, and it has nothing to do with you. If you honour your words and communicate them with respect, the other's reaction is no longer your responsibility. Feeling likable and good about yourself shouldn't depend on this lottery.
Additionally, it's important to recognize that codependency can be disempowering for both parties involved. Within yourself, you're relinquishing your power and energy, allowing others to make choices on your behalf. Simultaneously, by not allowing the other person to confront and navigate challenging situations, you inhibit their growth and development of essential life skills.
In addition to engaging in introspection and personal growth, Bach Flower remedies can serve as valuable support in the journey toward achieving healthy interdependency, which should be the overarching aim of any relationship.
Finding codependency a bit problematic in your life? Reach out to explore how Biodecoding or Bach Flower remedies can support you in achieving greater emotional balance and empowerment. Take the first step towards healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life today.
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